Press Aide Asks for Senator’s Private Parts to be Left off the Record

Dejan Dundjerski /
Dejan Dundjerski /

The bootlickers in the mainstream media are usually all too happy to comply with the requests of an oily Senate press aide for a Democrat. After all, they have a culture war to win. If a press aide asks a journalist to keep something unflattering about a US Senator “off the record,” that journalist will usually bend over backward to make sure the public doesn’t hear about it. This is not one of those times. This is a time when a journalist bucked the trend by writing a true story about Sen. Jon Tester’s (D-MT) private parts.

If you are unaware of who Sen. Jon Tester is, you’re probably not alone. He’s one of the most bland and uninteresting members of the US Senate. He has no legislative accomplishments to his name, despite being in the Senate since 2007. If Jon Tester stands really still next to the wallpaper, you might not notice that he’s there. He’s that boring.

This story about Sen. Tester’s exposed wee-wee could not come at a more inopportune time for him personally or for the Democrat majority in the US Senate. Tester is up for reelection in 2024. The Democrats have a razor-thin majority in the Senate, and their record of governing so far has been limited to economic destruction, transgender surgeries for small children, and starting more pointless wars overseas. In short, they need to hang onto every seat.

Tester has a very real challenge on his hands in the very red state of Montana. He’s the only elected Democrat to hold a statewide office there. Tester’s seat is one of the ones that is believed to be critical to the Democrats holding onto their majority after 2024.

While Tester should sail through the primaries in Montana, he faces a very real threat during the general election. A businessman named Tim Sheehy has jumped out as the frontrunner in the Republican primary. Sheehy is a former Navy SEAL who founded an aerospace company that’s focused on aerial firefighting and helping ranchers track their cattle from the air. He’s exactly the sort of candidate that red-state voters like the ones in Montana can get behind.

Considering the fact that Tester only won reelection in 2018 with 50.3% of the vote, he could really be in trouble. This is not the time for a Democrat Senators’ willy to be making headlines.

Unfortunately for Jon Tester, that just happened. Journalist Ben Terris’ new book was just published last month, titled “The Big Break: The Gamblers, Party Animals, and True Believers Trying to Win in Washington While America Loses Its Mind.” It contains a section in which Terris went to Montana to visit Senator Tester on his organic pea farm.

Terris recounts a tale about John Tester taking a whiz on his pea field right in the middle of the interview:

“A couple years later I was on assignment in Montana writing a profile of Jon Tester when the flat-topped, seven-fingered senator (who was also a working farmer) suddenly started relieving himself in an organic pea field next to his tractor without covering himself up,” wrote Terris.

“Later, a press aide (who, coincidentally, also only had seven fingers) popped out of a Subaru and posed to me a question as old as the federal government itself: ‘Can the senator’s penis please be off the record?’”

By the way, if anyone can think of a more appropriate definition for “organic farming” than that, please let us know.

So far, Tester’s office has not returned any calls for comments about the senior Democrat from Montana whipping it out in front of a reporter. It’s pretty sad that after 17 years of serving in the US Senate, this is the most interesting story about Jon Tester that’s ever happened. Hopefully, the voters of Montana will make a better choice next time.